howfatkilledme

Uh-Oh!

mija2011 — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 03:59:23 +0000

So I have managed to only maintain my weight and not lose it. On the one hand its like yay! I have lost weight and am in a smaller shirt size….BUT this is a numbers game and let’s face it I am not losing the numbers. In order to be approved for gastric bypass I have to lose 10 pounds in each 10 week session and there are a total of 3 sessions. I am 5 weeks into the second session–and I have lost NOTHING. OMG!! So now I have only 5 weeks to lose 10 pounds! GAH!! I have two choices right now. I can sit down and call it a day or I can fight like hell to get back into the game. I choose to get back into the game, or MORE into the game. From today on I will maintain a 1500 calorie diet and go from there. I will also get my backside moving more. I will do everything I can to lose 2 pounds a week! Wish me luck!!

Oh-Em-GEE!

mija2011 — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 17:10:44 +0000

OMG I made it! The holidays are officially over and I am ready to take on the world! I am a few weeks into the second session of my three session round with the Medical Weight Loss Clinic and things are looking mighty fine! By that I mean my backside. I said it! I am more excited and determined than ever to finish the three session and get my surgery goin’. I made it through Thanksgiving without popping a button, got through Christmas without making the scale cry and now I have made it through New Year without killing my goals. Yeah, baby! Don’t get me wrong it was hard. I spent my entire life eating what I wanted and food is very much a thing of love in my mom’s house. Turkey and all the trimmings for Thanksgiving and lasagna and all the yummy food that comes with Christmas. My mouth waters just thinking about it. I know this is going to be a lifestyle change but some things are harder to quit than others and holiday feasts are one of them. Fortunately they are behind me and not on my behind. I must say I am incredibly proud of my accomplishments this season. I may not have had any major breakthroughs in my weight loss (at times only a half a pound) but they were still losses and I will take that any day. So here is to a new year full of success!

Holiday Killer

mija2011 — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 12:47:48 +0000

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Oh the lovely holidays. The lights! The music! The presents! The fat inducing family gatherings! Ugh! Well, I managed to keep myself from gaining a thousand pounds, or any weight at all. Yeah, baby! The problem….I didn’t lose any either. Unfortunately, although it is a good thing I didn’t gain, it is a bad thing I didn’t lose. In the pre-gastric-bypass-surgery game it is all about the numbers. Terrible. Gaining a pound because I gained muscle is not a good thing because they still look at it as a pound gained so I need to keep trudging on and make sure I lose the 10 pounds in time for the session to finish. I am not quite through the second session and there is only one session left after this. I can do this! I will be in the next Nike add. Just DO it! I got this. Right? Right! I will put on my tennis shoes and get FIT! I will run! No, actually I think I will walk. But it’s a start darn it! Honestly speaking the holidays are a major diet killer and I am happy it did not kill mine too bad. I was way off in my eating and that is a disappointment in a big way for me. I thought for sure I would be able to resist. I didn’t. Why is it so hard to resist the temptation? Well, in short it is because it is always there staring me in the face. Always. I know I have to change the way I see food or I will never be able to kick the habit, but the fact is we always have to eat. Alcoholics can avoid alcohol altogether, drug addicts can avoid drugs, but food addicts still have to eat. And I admit I am a major foodie. I am seriously trying to adopt the Eat To Live philosophy, but it is hard when you dislike a lot of the food in that category. I know I need to do it, but my taste buds are major allergic to vegetables. So here goes the multivitamins! I eat so much chicken now that I fear I am turning into one! I think one of the key things I need to do now is step up my activity. Moving my large frame will aid me in shrinking it, and that is something I will concentrate on.

Ho Ho Ho!

mija2011 — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 19:37:02 +0000

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It’s Christmas! I’m freaking out! Just kidding, kind of. This year we are doing lasagna and garlic bread. O-em-GEE. For me this means a LOT of water with a sprinkling of Coke Zero because I like to feel naughty without going too far off the deep end. I had told myself I will just eat salad but who am I kidding? I love lasagna and garlic bread! So to keep myself in line as much as possible I decided to eat smarter instead of restricting myself. After reviewing the list of holiday yum-yums I chose two or three things I will allow myself in moderation. I am not so much of a sweets person as I am a carb person so I know that I can scratch off the high calorie cakes, pies, and candy and not be ho-hum about it. So out they go. I also learned that if I eat my dinner on a desert plate instead of a dinner plate I feel full without eating all the extra calories from the extra servings. Turns out the body really can be fooled! Well, at least it can after watching my portions for so long. At first my body was not fooled at all. Trust me, it told me. With Christmas day, and dinner in sight I just need to keep my goals in sight right along with it. I tried on a pair of pants I have not been able to fit in to for years and saw how close I was to getting them back on again, I reminded myself how amazing it would be to not have to poke myself for insulin every day, and I fantasized about traveling to an exotic place and going to the beach. I have learned that after dieting for so long it is good to get in touch with the many reasons I wanted to start this journey in the first place. Reasons like dating, doing things with my children, flying on a plane, shopping in stores instead of catalogs, and riding a roller coaster. In the event that I feel myself wanting to slip, I will just bring up these reasons, and keep the end in sight.

Empathy

mija2011 — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 00:16:29 +0000

When you are working with people who are struggling to lose weight one of the most important things you need is empathy. To someone trying to do something that has become an almost insurmountable task this is more important even than knowledge. We all know the basics of how to lose weight. We know it is important to get moving and count calories. What we don’t know is how to overcome cravings. How to keep up the fight when we get our butts kicked. How to continue to remain positive in our thinking when it seems the whole world is against us. The one thing that can help with all that is a little empathy. We do not need someone to tell us what we are doing wrong, or even what we are doing right so much as we need someone to give us a smile and say it is OK to make mistakes. I have to weigh myself twice a week at the Medical Weight Loss Clinic in order to qualify for my surgery. At first it was great but after a few weeks I began to seriously dread going in. It was not because I was not losing weight. In fact I was losing weight on average of one to two pounds per week. Now, according to virtually everyone on the planet this is great news! Unless, of course, you work for the Medical Weight Loss Clinic. If I do not lose two or three pounds a visit I get “the stare” from many of them. I get the “what happened?” from them. Seriously? I lost weight, that’s what happened! Instead of anyone saying congratulations on losing weight I get suspicion that I must be doing something wrong or else surely I would have lost even MORE weight. I tell myself it is not forever, and by golly I surely mean it but sometimes the thought of going in there and weighing myself for them gets me so worked up I get heart burn. I am trying to focus and lose the weight. I am also trying not to freak out about this because one of my problems is emotional eating. I just find it hard sometimes to remain positive when I am faced with such negative people. I will keep on keeping on, I am just saying that sometimes a little empathy goes a long way with someone who has seen so little of it.

Biased Against Bypass

mija2011 — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 17:49:18 +0000

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I cannot tell you how many times I have heard that having Gastric Bypass is the easy way out. Are you kidding me? This is a massive surgery and it is painful so for people to make such assumptions not knowing the story behind it is maddening to me! Some people feel that if a person does not sweat it out all day everyday and take three to five years to lose the weight it is cheating. Take The Biggest Loser for example. They go to the ranch and bust their rump until they either lose the weight or are voted off the show. Now, this is a show I watch faithfully. I love this show! No matter how hard I think it is to lose weight or the obstacles I am facing at that time I can watch this show and it will inspire me to keep going. However, there are naysayers out there who say they were able to lose the weight only because they were on a ranch with nothing else to do but work out and could only eat the food provided to them. This is probably true. If they could do it on their own they would have. Let’s face it no one wants to go on television being that big, wear a bathing suit, and weigh themselves in front of a camera for millions of people. I know I wouldn’t. It takes a very strong (or desperate) person to admit they cannot lose the weight on their own and they need help. But even after that they still need to understand that there is no 100% cure for obesity other than a full lifestyle change. After I was told I could begin the process for Gastric Bypass I began to notice or learn of others who had had the surgery. One of the things that started to disturb me was the amount of people I met who had the surgery yet were morbidly obese. I thought to myself how could you have a life changing opportunity only to gain the weight back? Many stories were the same. They thought they would lose the weight but not have to do anything. They did not exercise or follow the foods they were told to eat. I admit I also thought the surgery would be the end-all-be-all to my situation and afterward I would never have to worry again about my weight. Turns out I was wrong. The Biggest Loser had a Where Are They Now show featuring a number of season’s contestants. One of the people on the show was the season one winner, Ryan. I remember his journey and I was incredibly shocked and saddened to see he had gained all of the weight back. I was crushed. Again I thought how could you have this life changing opportunity and gain the weight back? But this taught me a lesson. No matter how the weight comes off, be it on a show, in the gym, or in a hospital we are all responsible for the continuation of that loss. It is up to each of us who lose the weight to make sure it is truly a life changing experience and unless we are willing to put in the work we all have the potential to end up where we started. No weight loss journey is easy. If it was there would not be so many woohoo stories about people who have lost the weight. I only wish that people were as quick to high-five someone who lost it with Gastric Bypass as they are someone who lost it downing a liquid diet. Weight loss is weight loss but keeping it off permanently is what should be exciting.

If I Had Known

mija2011 — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 00:04:35 +0000

I was writing to my sister about something I thought I would share here. As I was gaining weight I knew I was getting bigger. What I did not know was how much it would harm me. I think back to when I weighed 199 pounds and wish I could tell myself what lay ahead in the near future. The diabetes, the exhaustion, the aches and pains with being so over weight. Even now as I write this I know that it will hurt me more to keep the weight on, but I have no crystal ball to know exactly how much. I know the dangers that could happen, but not exactly what could happen. I do not know this any more than I knew I would be diagnosed with diabetes. I am trying to avoid the what-ifs by losing the weight. I do not want to look back in another 10 years and say I wish I had lost the weight before I had irreparable damage. I wish that I had thought this way before I became diabetic or before I developed painful neuropathy in my feet and legs. I can no longer go to sleep without sleep aids because my feet and legs tingle and burn so much, but at least I still have my feet and legs. That is something I could seriously end up losing if I do not lose this weight. I no longer wish to play Russian Roulette with my health. I know with certainty that if I do nothing I will not live to see my children marry and have children of their own.

If you really knew me…

mija2011 — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 03:41:42 +0000

If you really knew me….

On My Way Kinda, Yet Not Really

mija2011 — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 01:17:35 +0000

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So, I have finished the first 10 week session. I am THIS close to my surgery! OK, not really. But it feels SUPER good to say it! Seriously, why isn’t this easy? Where is my magic genie?! If anyone had told me this would be so difficult…oh, wait, they did. In fact everyone told me how hard it was going to be. Deciding to lose weight has the same consequence as deciding to have a baby. By this I mean that everyone who finds out will have some kind of “wisdom” to impart whether you want it or not. It’s all about the carbs. It’s all about the calories. It’s all about the protein. It’s all about Oprah and whatever diet book she is peddling now. Even if it is the most ridiculous crappola information ever handed down the person giving you that information believes it with all their heart. They all have good intentions but the information is still crappola. No, I am not an expert on losing weight. I am, however, an expert on dieting. I have done every diet imaginable. I tantrumed my way through trying to do Atkins, blew up a bathroom trying the colon cleanse diet, counted points, swallowed pills, and ate my car dashboard on the way to the nearest fast food restaurant doing the Slim Fast diet. What I did not do was watch what I ate while trying to become more active. Out of all the fad diets this has been the one to stay the course, and stick around, for generations. It is my opinion that fad diets are criminal because it does so much damage to our bodies and minds. It damages our bodies by helping us lose weight short-term only to gain it back again. It damages our self-esteem even more than had we just stayed big because now we lost the weight only to put it back on again. We feel good about ourselves only to feel bad again. It is a terrible cycle that corrodes the mind. It corrodes the will. It makes us feel that we will never succeed so why bother another try. To me that is worse than anything. Feeling like I will never succeed. I remember walking into a gym and seeing a woman roll her eyes at me. I am certain she has never had a weight problem in her entire life but that did not keep me from feeling shamed. I stayed for my workout but then I never went back. Looking back on it now I know that this is exactly what she expected. When the first of the year rolls around and overweight people all over the country line up to buy gym memberships and fitness equipment people know that only a small few will continue the journey through the year. Every year it is the same and every year we prove they were right to think that way. This is hard. It will never be easy. Fortunately hard does not mean impossible. It just means that at the end we can look back and say we are one of the few who beat it.

Doing Whats Right….Maybe

mija2011 — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 05:11:57 +0000

Sometimes I think that doing what I know is right, and also NOT doing what I know is wrong is the hardest thing I will ever do! Take this diet thing. No, wait, it cannot be called a “diet”. It is a lifestyle change. Yeah, the truth is it sucks. To go from eating whatever I want whenever I want to eating rabbit food three times a day is hard, people! I go to a friends house and I have to explain why I am unable to eat what they are cooking. Or go to a party where I have to turn down just about everything because it does not fit into my plan of losing weight. I repeat to myself “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”. I tell myself that a lot. I look at Victoria Secret catalogs. I picture myself thin. But let’s face it. I’m hungry! Every once in a dang while I need to eat something that was not plucked or dug out of dirt or pulled from a tree. The problem is I do not have room to be able to do that. I have to write down every single calorie and gram of fat that enters my system. One slip up and the surgery is done for. Done for!!! OK, enough of the drama. My bad. But seriously, unless you are obese trying to lose weight you will never understand just how difficult it is to lose a large amount of weight. I know 30 pounds is not a lot. But understand that we did not get this size intentionally. Something we did somewhere down the line was wrong. Some of us can tell you the day they started to gain weight. Most all of us can tell you the exact day we realized we no longer fit in our favorite jeans or dress. The exact day we noticed men no longer notice us. We know for the most part when it happened, but none of us know how is got to that point. What event in our lives set us on the path of destruction? I do not know. Well, I have an idea though I would rather not share quite yet. Needless to say I am an emotional eater. When I am stressed I eat. I am stressed a lot. I mess up time and again but so far I am still continuing to lose weight. I am grateful for that because Lord knows I have made some mistakes. Fallen off that wagon. I need to keep my head in the game and remain focused. I know there are millions of us out there who would want this opportunity. I was one for so many years. Wanting to do this but not having the money or the insurance. Now that I have the chance I am terrified I will ruin it. I have to remind myself to stay focused. Food is an addiction and I recognize that now more than ever. Food is an addiction. But an addiction can become overcame. I often wondered why doctors would recognize Anorexia and Bulimia as a medical problem but food addiction is not mentioned. It can be just as deadly as those two eating disorders. It is only recently that doctors became aware of the disease and started to study it. Unfortunately for them I will not be needing it. I am having surgery.