The Courtesy Flush

Strange things happen when you change your diet. You start to feel more energized. You begin to fit into smaller clothes. You poop more. Yeah, I said it. Start eating things you are not used to eating and it throws your entire body out of whack. Veggies are good for you, but all the yummy vitamins they bring to your body can lead up to a lot of extra poopage if you are not used to it. It is just one way the body adjusts to the change. Normally it is no big deal, after all we women can always do the “courtesy flush” if we are at someone else’s house or in public at a store. The problem rests in those who decided to change perfectly working toilets into the future commode. You know the ones that flush as soon as you stand up — or reach for the toilet paper. The only time it does not flush in spontaneous glee is when you want it to. Like when you poo. Women for as long as I can remember have done the courtesy flush. What is a courtesy flush you ask? This is where we are not yet finished going, but in an attempt to spare the next person who may need to use the facilities we flush the toilet mid-potty. But now we have to stand up, dance around, and pretend to be done so that the stupid mechanical toilet that surely must have been thought up by a man who doesn’t care if the next person melts at the smell will flush. What is happening in the world today?! Where are all the good potty manners going?! OK, I admit a lot of the courtesy flush is so people do not know when we women dropped a load or pinched a loaf. But this is not the point! OK, it is, but still! I need my courtesy flush! I cannot be like Ace Ventura: Pet Detective and run out of a public restroom yelling “Do NOT go in there!”. Do people not realize that women never poo, fart, or belch? Unlike women who are skinny fat women are supposed to be jolly. We are not allowed “bad days” because we are the happy fat chicks. The one thing that binds us is the fact that none of us are supposed to have normal bodily functions. And now that is gone. All because some guy was too lazy to reach behind himself and push a lever. Great job.

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